Tuesday, May 3, 2016

When I Die, I Leave Everything to My Cats

My boyfriend is actually a good driver. He grew up outside of L.A. so he has learned how to drive aggressively in order to get where he needs to go. After being in multiple car accidents, I am very untrusting of other drivers. I am convinced they will slam on the brakes at any moment and we will die. I have never gone to get my license because I am sure that:
1. Other drivers are all crazy.
2. I am crazy.
3. My craziness will cause an accident and put other drivers at risk.
Today we had to stop off at a house he needed to see for work (he works in insurance). The traffic and highways were filled with people doing crazy things on the road. The whole time my boyfriend is moving along and I am convinced that I will be in an accident. This happens to me ALL THE TIME. So I do what any normal sane person would do, I text my friend to tell her I'm going to die and am thinking I should write a will. Thankfully I have friends who understand that my expectation to burst into flames isn't always rational so instead of worrying she simply told me that in the event that I expire, she would like to take my cats. Which I had to explain to her I do not feel comfortable with because she already has three cats and my cats wouldn't like the added stress of additional members to their gang. Cats do not like change so obviously if my boyfriend lives, he is keeping the cats. If we both die, I would like us to keep the cats living in the house with all of the death money and just pay people to take care of them. I'm pretty sure you can legally do that. (Note to self: Google legalities of leaving money to cats when dead)
When we drove past a cemetery I was pretty sure that the universe was telling me that this is the end. I did, however, arrive alive so the universe was actually just being an asshole and fucking with me.

Picture of my boyfriend as he drives:

No comments:

Post a Comment